Radical Self-Love

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions.

More often than not, they lack passion and vision and try to fix something on the surface level, seen in how quickly “resolutions” end by the psychological roadside, as we run off to the next diversion.

I do believe, however, in using the New Year as a way of looking at the previous calendar year, with all its arbitrary boundary designations, “day, week, month,” taking assessment of what was and what might be, and setting a theme for the year.

I decided to devote this year to radical self-love, in thought, word, and deed.

This is on my vision board, and for those who read these sporadic entries, you know that self-love has been a life challenge.

Shame in many, many forms being a defining life circumstance, and moving the lens from the “out-there” where shame begins, what other people think, to the inside, where self-love begins and is nurtured.

The gift of shame is the privilege of moving into radical self-love, not just any old series of platitudes and ceremonious gestures that may make me feel better.

Radical self-love, a huge shift in every thought, word, and deed I express, and it means growing in ways that still remain elusive.

I don’t want any old domestic circumstance, I want the love affair of a life time.

That love affair begins with me.

As I meditated this morning, something nudged me to look at my vision board, and I saw the new year’s affirmation there in big bold letters: RADICAL SELF-LOVE: THOUGHT, WORD, AND ACTION.

Now, what I knew when I pinned that saying to the board was that it’s a phrase, an idea that hasn’t been unpacked.  What does radical self-love really mean, beyond the idea?  Even love is a problematic term, so where and how can I begin understanding this year’s governing aspiration?

I believe I received a snippet this morning.  As I looked at the phrase, it occurred to me that it means not worrying about getting anywhere, that is, once again, the idea of being Present.  Present, in the moment.  Completely and fully.

It’s the journey, not the destination.  Love is the journey.  Radical self-love is the unfolding moment, not something that’s going to happen by the year’s end.

It’s this entry, these words, the workout this morning, the business calls this afternoon, the writing later on, the kickboxing class in the evening, the encounters with friends who make my life meaningful and beautiful.

It’s showing up in the moment, fully invested in who I am, and giving life my everything, with less diversion, fewer bad stories, and much more engagement than I believed possible.  That’s getting close to radical self-love.

I’ve written on this many times, but as one goes down the road, it unfolds with greater depth and clarity.

Do what you do with Presence, because when you are fully there, you are radically loving yourself.

Presence dissolves the subject-object divide that tells us we must do more, be more, and must meet those goals if our contribution will matter, one of the biggest self-loathing myths present in our collective consciousness.

Presence is the deepest connection to Self imaginable, our deepest expression lived in absolute surrender: the mind still, the spirit free, and life becomes what some have called the Kingdom of Heaven.

The first week after I devoted this calendar year to radical self-love, I saw something extraordinary, and it keeps coming to me in ways that echo before things I’ve written here: “you’re making it [life and its many aspirations] way more difficult than it needs to be.”

Or, put in a more self-loving way: the life we envision for ourselves is easier than we allow ourselves to believe, because it’s unfolding in front of our eyes, if we are Present and engaged with life, in the moment.

I hope 2016 unfolds with easy grace and clarity.

Peace and abundant love and health to you.

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Je ne sais quoi

The art of life isn’t about perfection.

Neither is art.  Or science.  Or spirituality.

Or love.  No matter how much we mythologize these expressions with our ideals.

Billie Holiday’s voice was at its best after cracked and broken by life.  Billy’s one of the greats, not because she sang pitch perfect, but because experience and soul bring a timeless je ne sais quoi that we feel in every recording.

Scan favorite artists — Maria Callas, Rothko, Whitman, Rembrandt, Dickinson, whomever, whatever genre, whatever medium, scan them over and over.

What makes them a favorite?  It’s not perfection, it’s the asymmetry, the gesture that belies a break, the boundary busting that can’t be neatly described, because we don’t want to.  It’s the je ne sais quoi that touches us, connecting us to something beyond the notes, the sentences, the paint, the clay.  Letting the thing emerge from the ether, the cracks of one’s person become the vehicle of luminous translation.

Realism is a myth, because painting a landscape isn’t the experience of the landscape, and poetically describing a sun soaked day will never translate the immediacy of that moment under the sun.

The art exists in the gap between what is offered in the artist’s gestures and what we experience, the thing that remains elusive.

Billie does sing perfectly of heartache, she lived it, and expressed it through a broken vehicle with no pretense to artistic perfection.

We want life’s je ne sais quoi, we want the experience of life, but we fall back into the safety of the known, repetitive, and demonstrable.

Commercialism and marketing want predictable products that flatten art’s je ne sais quoi.

Similarly, religion flattens Spirit’s mystery, and porn flattens intimacy’s ineffable beauty.

We live in world where art and life exist as consumer modalities.

To find the je ne sais quois in our lives is to deeply embrace its many glorious imperfections.

The lotus of enlightenment blooms from the world’s substance, a mucky, muddy water from which a resilient flower emerges.

Ask for more.

 

 

A Thousand Suns

“If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst forth at once in the sky, that would be like the splendor of the Mighty One.”   —   The Bhagavad Gita

 

You tell me

love is an abyss,

to fly toward its sun

is a doomed ascent;

Icarus tumbling,

life undone

by the heart and

its fumbling

will.

 

You forget

we have lived

a thousand lives,

and you forget

we have flown

as stars in each one.

Listen (then listen

again) to your heart’s

burning wisdom,

the incandescence

born of the wheel’s

turning:

 

we may have died

a thousand deaths,

but (remember,

remember) we

hold a thousand

brilliant

suns.

 

 

On Violence

To everything there is a season — there is a time to shout, and a time to whisper. 

This culture’s meta-narratives are obsessed with violence.

Everywhere.  Real violence and fantasy violence.

It’s the stuff we live and breathe, while obsessing about security and safety.

There is no real security, for many less than others, most certainly.

But the fiction is that we fix violence and our need for security from the outside, when change begins inside.

That’s not a New Age platitude, it’s the oldest lesson we humans have taught throughout time.

To be “born again,” isn’t a ticket to postmortem pearly gates, it’s an inner awareness that takes time and practice leading to what the Buddha and Indian sages called “enlightenment.”

But in our impatience we want broad brushstrokes, quick fixes, and immediate visible results, which is the m.o. of terrorism.

Anyone who physically trains, writes, does art, or invents, knows that immediacy and quick answers kill creative problem solving.

Change is slow, conscious, deliberate, and its results are unexpected, and grander than we can imagine, when we surrender to process.

Not “the process,” but process.  Process is what we live in.  Process is the practice.

Deliberate focus is central, simplicity of action and deed, which means turning away from the diverting meta-narratives that feed the fear, and keep us worried about our “security.”

Those who hold to peace listen and whisper in wisdom while the noise continues, because listening requires the essential quiet that noise cannot drown.

Lasting change requires daily resurrecting the meta-narratives that tell us an eye-for-an-eye makes the whole world blind, we shall overcome, and Love always triumphs over darkness.  Humanity possesses an overwhelming wealth of shared stories in which our collective demons were quieted by our higher angels.

These stories happen daily, weekly, yearly, in every age, but we must train ourselves to listen, to listen more deeply than the noise that surrounds us, train ourselves to be a different kind of storyteller, to ourselves and to others.

This is not ignoring the obvious, it’s creating a different world, through a deep practice that affirms life, responsibility, and love.

Because compassion and goodness are who We are — and there’s plenty of evidence that from Silence emerges beautiful and extraordinary music, despite the monotone bad notes played over and over in our collective fear.

 

 

Thoughts On Heaven And Hell

“Without contraries is no progression.  Attraction and Repulsion, Reason and Energy, Love and Hate, are necessary to Human existence.  From these contraries spring what the religious call Good and Evil. . . .  Good is Heaven.  Evil is Hell.”   —  William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

 

Yesterday, I heard someone yell, “Go to hell!” during a fit of personal disagreement, and it made me think.

The phrase is an easy response to people who are pushing our reactions, when our egos are in overdrive, feeding off of each other in projection.

“Go to hell,” a phrase used in a moment of violent frustration or seething anger.

****

It’s easy when someone’s done inner work, has resurrected from their personal descent into hell’s depths, when they decide that death’s cacophony  is no longer what they want, to judge the radiance of their inner life as a bunch of platitudes and easy answers.

Been there.  Done that.

That facile judgement, which I have doled out in superiority while offering no solutions, is the mediocrity of bah humbugism that reeks of cowardice coupled to complacency, because the inner life hasn’t been faced full-on.

Judgement is the world’s default setting, learned, radical, merciless judgement.

I already have been to hell and back.

Living invisibly while nursing the pain.

All of this the consequence also of judgement, of myself and the world.

When I hear someone say, “go to hell,” I think: “Already been there, too many times to count.  What else you got?”

I have been to hell and back, days, weeks, months, years consumed in its jaws.

My guess is so have you, or at least momentarily and more than once worshiped at the hem of its skirts, thinking that hell your most deserving place in the world.

That is the lie we tell ourselves, safe in our comfort zone of pain and inadequacy.

All pain is real, lived, vivid, and most important, it is comfortable.

Unfaltering comfortable, until we commit to our journey beyond fear into learned, radical, radiant Love.  Lived pain then begins to feel less familiar, looks ill-fitting, feels heavier and more cumbersome than we believed possible.

The irony of the phrase “go to hell” is that when we use it, we’re the ones already living it.  We are our own devils, in that moment . . . for whatever reasons, none of which matter.

***

Along the way, I’ve been helped by angels unaware, and become an angel unaware to others.

Not because I am anyone special, simply because I am, and therefore, I am an angel anytime I am more than myself, and connected to Something beyond my self.

Angels and devils are seldom what we think: devils are merely fallen angels.

There’s a big clue there waiting for unpacking, the flip switch of projection and Consciousness, waiting for our awareness.

Angels and devils, one and the same, only a momentary choice separating a fallen reality from Reality.

***

I am an angel.

And so are you.

We’re all angles unaware, disguised for a flickering moment, waiting to go home.

Home to heaven.  Or bliss.  Or awareness.  Or whatever vernacular we use when we choose to return to Life.  It’s easier than most of us believe, choosing heaven, resurrecting our demons to personal Glory.

A choice at a time, between breaths, until the world is transformed.

 

 

 

Ariel Rising

 

Asphalt

dissolves

under

my feet

as the sun

wrestles

frigid air

from

barren

trees.

 

Thighs,

calves,

lungs,

heart,

arms

merge

as

my breath

grows heavy

with

the cold;

without

warning,

I am not.

 

Earth,

air,

fire,

water

are

body and breath;

I am

no element

for I am now

every element,

as the sun

recedes

behind

more radiant

light.

 

Everything

and Nothing

coalesce —

on an invisible

horizon my

breath expands

in flaming nostrils,

hooves bolt

unbridled

in warm

blond sand,

crystalline

sea waters

engulf

an unyielding

surge of

black equine power,

and my heart

bursts in

a gallop

of singular

strength

and grace.

 

Untethered,

luminescence

pours from an

ancient memory:

 

I am

God’s lioness,

again.

 

 

 

 

Thunderstorm

 

The weather

forecast says

a Thunderstorm

approaches;

it warns of

rain torrents

and flooding,

a deluge

immersing

our parched souls

and bringing

Love’s relief

to the too long

drought.

 

 

Three Epithalamia by Georges Perec

Once upon a time, I kept another blog.  I then tore it down, one of my many reinventions.

Last week, I remembered an entry that took a forever to assemble; including contacting “The Paris Review” about copyright information, and getting the indentations and line spacing perfected.  Love’s labors, now buried.  “I’d really like to have those Georges Perec poems up and available on the web,” I thought.

I searched my hard drive.

No, I scoured it.

No success.

The morning’s coincidences: I found that entry and those poems.   My old blog, now protected and long giving no one access, including myself, finally gave itself over to my eyes.

This after unsuccessful years of attempts.

The day had no thought of Georges Perec.  The locked blog opened by accident, as I hit the wrong link on old browser tab, an antiquated browser that I had switched to for only Goddess knows what reason this morning.

I was in the door, having jumped through space and time into a long lost portal.  And voilà! Georges et son chat, and the three poems.

Here is that lost entry.  My gift to the world today, giving Georges Perec back to it.

(Edited to add: The Paris Review now has the first of these epithalamia available on their site.  The other two require a PR subscription.)

From February 28, 2011 (no redaction):

 

 

perecstamp

I’m returning to my blog with a very special entry, one I’ve had in mind for sometime: making available three poems by Georges Perec.

I discovered these over two decades ago in a Winter 1989 issue of The Paris Review, and they’ve been venerated treasures since.  Despite my efforts over several years, I was unable to find them in any published anthology, or find any publishing information on them.

I contacted The Paris Review and inquired how I might go about getting permission to post them here. During my query, I was informed that The Paris Review did not own the rights to these poems.  The estate of Georges Perec does.  Who or what that is, I am not certain.

I assume the estate will not sue me for copyright infringement: should the estate be offended, please accept my apologies in advance.

Perec deserves more attention than he is given, and these songs, buried in a 1989 issue of The Paris Review, and available otherwise only to the handful of people who perchance purchase that back issue, need to be available to readers of this playful, imaginative wordsmith.

Harry Mathews, who translated these three songs from the French, notes the following: These three “nuptial songs” date from 1980 and 1981; they first appeared as pamphlet 19 in this series published as La Bibliothèque oulipienne. I found it impossible to keep in translation the attractive procedure the author followed in writing them, limiting himself to the letters and the names of bride and groom.

Where three quoted phrases appear in the second poem, I have substituted Wallace Stevens for Stéphen Mallarmé. — H.M.

Three Epithalamia by Georges Perec

Epithalamium for Sophie Binet and Michel Dominault
On this beautiful Saturday in May
Sophie has married Michel
and Michel has married Sophie
They have married
and they are now together
like Aucassin and Nicolette
and like nut cake and honey
like hand and piano
       table and chair
       soup and ladle
       tench and hook
       science and doubt
       pen and drawing
       dove and millet
       hospital and silence
       candle and bed warmer
       chamomile tea and Madeline
and even couscous and chickpeas
It's a delectable morning
the sun lights up the countryside
bee's are gathering honey
a butterfly delicately alights by a mimosa
sheep are bleating
in the distance bells are ringing
everything is calm and peaceful
At the very end of the little wood the vast planet begins
its lakes its oceans it steppes
its hills its plains its oases
its sand dunes
its palaces its museums its islands its ports of call
its lovely automobiles glistening in the rain
its white-bonneted Salvationists singing carols on Christmas Eve
its bowlered worthies in conference at the tabac on Place Saint
     Sulpice
its mustachio'd sea captains exuding patchouli and lilac
its tennis champions hugging at the end of a match
its Indians with their calumet seated by a sandalwood totem pole
its mountain climbers attacking Popocatapetl
its eager canoeist paddling down the Mississippi
its Anabaptists mischievously nodding their heads as they discuss
     the Bible
its little Balinese women dancing on cocoa plantations
its philosophers in peak caps arguing about Condillac's ideas
     in outmoded tea rooms
its pinup girls in bathing suits astride docile elephants
its impassive Londoners bidding a no-trump little slam
But here the sky is blue
Let's forget the weight of the world
a bird is singing at the very top of the house
cats and dogs drowse by the fireplace
      where a huge log flow be burning up
You hear the ticking of the clock
This little poem
where only simple words been used
      words like daisy and broomstick
      like lady-bird and cream sauce
      like croissant and nonchalance
and not words like palimpsest, pitchblende, cumulonimbus,
      decalcomania, stethoscope, machicolation, or
      anticonstitutionally
has been specially composed
on the occasion of these nuptials
Let us wish Sophie and Michel
years and years of rejoicing
like the thousand years gone by
            in which Philemon and Baucis
 each May are born into the world
            she as linden, he as oak
Lines read at the wedding of Alix-Cléo Blanchette and Jacques Roubaud
Alix-Cléo has married Jacques
and Jacques has married Alix-Cléo
This is a fortunate coincidence
and so today
they are both allied and bound together
in the manner of bird and branch
of Aucassin and Nicollette
of table and chair
of science and doubt
of desert and oasis
of linden and oak
of ink and story
of day and night
of oblivion and vestige
of bee and maple
It's a lovely June day
the sun is shining above Ile de la Cité
on their transistor radios booksellers at their stalls are listening
     to Heinrich Biber's Rosary Sonatas
harassed tourist climb the steps of Sacré-Coeur
on rue de la Huchette blue-jeaned Dutchman are playing
     banjos and bagpipes
The whole world stretches out around us
its unfathomable oceans
its lakes, its steppes, its streams,
its hills and permafrost
its sand dunes, its hidden treasures, its islands, its ports of call
its “black gold” and “white coal”
its bauxites and rare terrains
its basilicas, its haunted castles, its ruined keeps
its Salvationists in pastel–pink raincoats singing carols on
     Christmas Eve
its bespectacled notaries reading their evening paper by the
     light of oil lamps
its retired colonels in conference at the tabac on Rue Saint-
     Louis-en-l'Ile
its disbanding revellers emerging from outmoded nightclubs
its slant-eyed Cossacks paddling down the Yenisei in birch–
     bark canoes
its day–trippers in berets attacking the Balloon d'Alsace
its austere Jansenists reciting the Old Testament
its circus ballerinas standing on their obedient chargers
its D. Litt.'s arguing about Judeo-Christian expression in the
     discourse of Hölderlin
its obese Irishwomen buying cans of beer and salted pickles
     in a Bronx delicatessen
Here the sky is blue or soon will be
Let's forget the age's stridencies
     tornadoes and fog
Let's listen to the birds singing
the cats purring in the library alongside Bescherelle's
     Dictionary
quiet daily sounds
the heart beating
These occasional lines
which do not concern
either purple balustrades
or sunken coral water-walled
or concupiscent curds
or lady-birds
or subterranean locusts
or the Constitution of Eighteen Forty-Eight
have been written for the inauguration of this betrothal
Let us wish Alix-Cléo and Jacques
years of rejoicing and happiness
Let us salute them
and to the east
          may the black jet of extreme youth salute them
and to the south
          may the turquoise blue adulthood salute them
and to the west
          may the yellow abalone of nothingness salute them
             that cannot be conceived of or spoken
and to the north
          made the white shell of the Resurrection salute them
and may the Southern Cross salute them
and made the evening star salute them
and every constellation
and every nebula
and may they at break of dawn
when the surround whitens
journey full circle around the edge of earth and heaven

Wedding of Kmar Bendana and Noureddine Mechi
                              1.
My lady of rare amber
Armada moored in the roads of Madeira
Ebony tree
Marble meander
Year after year finding me ready to surrender
                              2.
Unimaginable laughter of Dido or Aeneas
Dune smell
Golden cloud
Rut flooded with a last shower
Saying nothing
Knitting a calico quilt
Queen in king made one
                              3.
Board my forsaken drake
Nomad of my shadow world
Give me my name
My savior
My soul
                              4.
Give me that murmuring
the echo route
where this speaking begins
My fired heart disturbs black ash
Rough whisper of a golden horn
Chrome or mercury illusion
An unknown rending of sweetness
Mine, like my own trembling
                              5.
My love my golden number
beautiful sweeper of my mist
beautiful burglar of my clouds
knot at the confines of my dwelling
a blindfold embroidered with dawn
                              6.
Black ink
determines this still slender code
the world's unscathed memory
A  rock, menhir, warehouse
Dormant chemistry of a gigantic oil rig
Cherokee Indian, Chinese orchid
A cedarwood chest of drawers,
A smell of beeswax, bark, caraway
                              7.
Admire in my mirror
My bride wreathed in dawn
My Queen, my Diana, my Golden Bream,
A sprig of arum diffuses its scent
Laughing over nothings
over a crumb,
over a loosened ribbon
over a swim at the beach
over someone singing to the beat of a derbouka
Loving enough to die
                              8.
Ancient spell
Rooted in the very heart of this modern world
Wedding
like sweetwater
like a hoop, a round,
a piece of chalk
a marketplace in Manchuria
a tile in the corridor
fragrance of coriander
a cadence on an accordion
                              9.
My friend my own heart
Give me an iron memory
of this world curved like a locust
An armored memory
Memory of my own Rue du Caire
Memory of the buccaneer
of Cerberus's deck hand
at the edge of a carbon sea
                              10.
Happiness consecrated to my noontime concord
to the marble of my dwelling
in the murmurings of my mouth
Hot shadow of my diadem
A radio crackles a love ballad
a fly drones
Babouche in a corner of my room
a dog barks
Sunday, on Rue du Maroc
Sunday




georges-perec-with-cat

Living In The Material World

 

 

This evening, I’m listening to George Harrison, and memory’s landscapes compel a brief entry.

I was about twelve.  I may have been thirteen.  I believe I was twelve.

There was a song by Harrison that I’d come to know courtesy of an FM station that played adult rock.  Not the top hits, but album classics and deeper cuts.  “Don’t Let Me Wait To Long,” wooed me with its melody and lyrics.  It wasn’t a popular song then.  It’s since become known as one of George’s finer solo career moments.

I called the radio station and asked about it.

“Living In the Material World” was the album.  The same album that “Give Me Love (Give Me Peace On Earth)” was on.

I had to have that album.  Had to have those songs.   Wanted to hear more of this “Living In The Material World” stuff.

Harrison’s mysticism and spiritual involvement with ISKCON (International Society For Krishna Consciousness) were by almost all accounts at their most intense during this album’s production.  But the album wasn’t a big seller, the only cut  garnering popularity was “Give Me Love,” which was released as a single, so there was limited post-issue album production.

For an adolescent girl, living in the then small town of Folsom, getting my hands on this album entailed a spiritual pilgrimage.

I journeyed to Tower Records in western Sacramento.  There and back took a full day.  My pilgrimage also involved saving my baby sitting money to pay for the album and transportation, dealing with multiple Regional Transit bus transfers to places I’d never been, and making the case to my mother why my life depended on this owning this album.

Listening to Harrison this evening, as I think of that girl who listened to her heart, then took off by herself to possess the music that she wanted out of life, I feel many emotions, and see many soul level realities.  Mildly impressed that girl was me, and shaking my head in disbelief that I’ve survived my headstrong abandon.

That my mother allowed me this adventure speaks volumes: although she didn’t like the idea at all, west Sacramento was no place for me to be by myself, she decided trusting me with a journey she knew me capable of was better than trying to thwart my doggedness and having me sneak behind her back to get it.

Some would think her careless; I believe she listened to something deeper.

For my soul sees beyond the facts (“a twelve-year-old in west Sacramento by herself, a full day on Regional Transit, what kind of mother would allow that?”), and sees that pilgrimage to Tower Records as part of a deep unconscious hard wiring beyond volition, something I was meant to do.

It wasn’t just the music, it was the spiritual longing I heard in Harrison’s lyrics, voice, and album title, something that resonated in me.

My life journey — or soul purpose — was unfolding.  That pilgrimage was one of many this life has given me, my evolution dictating a day trip from Folsom on a bus, so that my days and memory would hold Harrison’s music, his musically touching Divinity becoming one seed in my spiritual development.

“Don’t Let Me Wait Too Long” ostensibly tells about waiting for one’s lover.  But the song’s unmistakable subtext in the album’s spiritual context reveals that the awaited for lover brings the Divine Lover.   Harrison’s expressed desires are otherworldly — or, as Krishna describes in the Bhagavad Gita, for the reality beyond illusion.

(Years later, I was gifted with the sacred crowns worn by the Krishna and Radha deities from the Boston ISKCON temple; they sit safely tucked away, gifts from the Divine Lover, remembrances of my studies at Harvard Divinity.  The trajectory from Harrison to these precious objects eluded me until this writing.)

In the days before another return of the sun to its placement when I entered this life (that is, my birthday), a single cord emerges in my life, and its variegated strands with their many hues and textures show me my soul’s constant and persistent evolution.  Many of my so-called struggles have not been against me and the world, but about this emerging consciousness finding its way.  I was learning to trust radical Love.  That’s not an easy soul task.  As my mortal fingers release their need for control, my spiritual hands gain strength.  For I know with an unshakable depth that I’m a spiritual being having a human experience.

Mortal existence falls to the side as the emptiness it is, a little more daily, and Reality opens before me in breathtaking beauty.

Living in the material world becomes much easier with that perspective, but it’s taken many pilgrimages to get here from there.

Tonight, I remember one.

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAvU584E96Y